Singing Loudly

Earlier today I flew to my hometown to visit with my brother and stay with my family. The flight went very well; it was actually the first time I wanted to talk with the lady next to me. When I sat down I noticed that an older lady was sitting by the window reading Angels in America. As that happens to be one of my favorite plays, I was interested in seeing what she thought.

After a little while it became clear that she is a nun. Her name is Sister Helen. I was pretty surprised, but I was interested in talking more. She started to ask me a lot of questions and seemed to really care about what was going on in my life. Before long I had told her the reason why I was going home, some of the experiences (both good and bad) from my past, and a little about things from these past few weeks.

Interspersed in this was a lot of advice about how I should change myself. A lot of her advice was spiritually based, but just as much came from things that indicted a strong knowledge of popular society. She really seemed to empathize with a lot of the pressures. She advised me, in regards to that, that I shouldn't place all my fears of failure on myself. Instead, I should realize that things don't always work out in ways that will provide immediate gratification. However, if I keep trying to make everything turn out perfect it'll only increase the feelings of failure when things don't go as planned. On relationships she talked a lot about how she learned the hard way that the only way to change how people act towards you is to change yourself.

While I don't think that her advice was any sort of a golden key. It did leave me feeling very refreshed. Just to talk with someone who really appeared to understand. Someone who didn't seem to have an ounce of malice in her. Soon after I went to visit my brother. In some ways it seems that he reveres me the same way I looked up to Sister Helen.

My brother is unwilling, at this point, to talk to anyone. I was the first person he started to talk to. He didn't open up to what's going on in his life, but he did talk to me. I was able to get him to smile and laugh. Somehow, in front of him, I was able to stay strong and just enjoy my time with him. The visiting time ended at 6pm today because they have group meetings. I bought him a Mountain Dew and told him I would be back first thing tomorrow with a couple books he can read.

While I was strong in front of him it still broke my heart. When I got home I spent some time talking to my mom and stepdad about what my impression of the situation is. He won't talk to my mom; he just cries. I think that she was relieved that he would laugh a little with me.

I'm going to take Sister Helen's advice and remember that I can't change everything. I have to be willing to not try to force things. To not set up a situation where I try to force a certain result because I believe that that result equals achievement. I'll just take it once step at a time and let him show me what he needs out of me.

All of this reminds me of Scene 8 from Perestroika in which Joe admits "I don't know what will happen to me without you. Only you. Only you love me. Out of everyone in the world. I have done things, I'm ashamed. But I have changed. I don't know how yet, but...Please, please, don't leave me now." Thank you Tony Kushner