In The Royal Tenenbaums, Margo tells the mediocre writer, Eli Cash (a quote from his most recent novel, "The crickets and the rust-beetles scuttled among the nettles of the sage thicket. "Vámonos, amigos," he whispered, and threw the busted leather flintcraw over the loose weave of the saddlecock. And they rode on in the friscalating dusklight.") that he isn't a genius. Eli queries why she had to specifically point out that he was not a genius. She replies that it's not a word she uses lightly.
I don't think that I use that word lightly either. When I was on my run yesterday I couldn't help but think about one of my former girlfriends. We dated for about a year and then were "friends" for another year. We did have a very strange relationship when we were dating in that we would often (or she would often) go a couple weeks without talking. The same thing happened when we decided to try to be "friends." Allow me to use her communications with me as a case study for my neurotic needs in friendship.
I'm not sure what happened, but I guess there was some sort of a break down in the definition. To me a friend is someone who talks to you more than once every other week (unless there is a good reason). I need someone who is interested in me, who enjoys hearing what I'm doing, who understands my humor, and who wants to make me a better person. I don't want a "friend" who checks in when it is convenient.
The problem with this former girlfriend was that she would check in when it was convenient. Unfortunately, for me, when I consider someone a friend it usually means that they are really close to me. I care about them a lot and want our relationship to grow. This wasn't happening with her, so I confronted her on it. We talked on the phone for about two hours. More than likely about an hour of it was due to me not understanding what was meant. Finally she said that I could not be a best friend to her. I asked if that meant that we should just act like we don't know each other. She said no it just meant that we could be friends.
The friendship from her from that point on was nothing but a train wreck. At some point, after months of not hearing from her, I emailed her. She replied:
I'm glad you wrote to me; I've wondered how law school was going and how you were. I didn't know you were going to Dublin, that is so awesome! I'm excited for you. What will you be doing there?...
And I won't be quite so burried in theater, so you may actually see me around too.
Because I'm dumb and easily excited I figured this meant that we were friends. Especially the last part about actually getting to see her. I emailed a couple more times that summer and didn't hear anything, so I contacted her during the school year. She replied, again,
I know, it has been a very very long time. You must think I'm ignoring you or that I just don't care about you, and I am so sorry. I do care, and I do think of you; the problem is me and my thoughtless, selfish way of dealing with people.
Friends are here to forgive...and she makes it so easy when she continues...
Can we say defense mechanism? Anyway, I'm here. I can't believe the way I've treated you; I can't say I'm sorry enough...If you'd rather not talk to me, I understand. I am not, never have been, a very good friend. But if you have time, and if you don't mind, I'd like to talk to you. My schedule's freed up some after this week, so if you'd like to get coffee or something, I'd like to see you again. Let me know.
How could I not forgive her? I replied by saying, "Your apology is accepted and it means quite a bit to me. Sometimes it takes a little work to be close to you but I'm a pretty patient person, and I think you're worth the occasional struggle; I care about you."
At this point it wasn't even so much that I had loved her at one point, as it was that I considered her my friend. She knew a lot about me and I a lot about her. When this was happening, last year, I would have forgiven a friend in this situation without reservation.
We went ahead and got coffee a few days later. We talked for about two hours and said that we should do things more often. I emailed her a couple more times and didn't hear back from her. Then I saw her at a little restaurant. She looked quite uncomfortable to see me and barely said hello. I was crushed.
Then I sat down and sent her an email where I tried to explain what I needed in a friendship. She sent me one email back:
Here's the deal. I appreciate the letter you sent me, and I know how hard it must have been to write. I know you care about me, but there are some things I need to say...I am your friend, and I have been ever since we met...You continued to pursue me, wanting, you said, the kind of relationship in which we spent time together, shared meaningful thoughts and feelings, and kept each other uppermost in our thoughts...I explained that that sort of relationship, the sort you said you wanted with me, was synonymous in my mind to that of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship...I said I wanted a casual friendship, the sort where we could talk when or if we had the time, but either way it wouldn't be a big deal.
So far she has listed a lot of things that are meaningful to me in friendships. The sort of relationship that I wanted with her was not as dramatic as she willfully makes it seem. I wanted to know that she cared about me and would be there for me when I needed a person to talk. Her idea of this "casual friendship" is nothing more to me than being an acquaintance. When we initially talked about being friends she rebutted the idea of it being just acquaintances. Although, she did explain that she couldn't have a guy as a bestfriend. The best I could figure is that for some reason she is unable to believe in platonic friendships. However, the painful email didn't stop,
I don't avoid you and I don't ignore you. If you hear nothing from me, it could be one of three things: A) I am too busy to breathe properly and don't have time to talk to anyone at all, B) I have a few moments of leisure and am using them to catch up on homework, sleep, or my relationships with my family and/or theater friends, or C) I have time, but I haven?t seen or talked to you in months and I don't think to call. (C) happens maybe twice in a semester.
This is the paragraph of her email that still brings up the most pain. I was the first person she loved, her first kiss, and someone she spent hours with every day, yet when she has a few moments (a couple times per year apparently) she couldn't remember to call me? This being from someone who just a couple paragraphs before said she "does care about" me? My few good friends alerted me to the fact that she obviously wasn't my friend. Unfortunately, this is about the same sentiment I find from most friends.
John C. Reiley has got nothing on me.
Then after the hurtful paragraph came a brilliant conclusion:
The fact is that I am not incredible, I am just me. And I don't think you know me at all. So when you tell me that you want to be a meaningful part of my life, I tend to doubt you. I think what's true is that you want me to be a meaningful part of yours. And I simply don?t have the energy. I have all I can take just trying to survive my own life by myself.
I don't want to reject you. As I said, you're a kind, intelligent person, and I would love it if we could be casual friends. But you aren't willing to accept that. You've given me two choices: to commit to a serious relationship with you or to create an irreparable rift between us and cause you to resent me. Given the choice, I have to choose my sanity.
I am sorry. I wish it hadn't turned out this way. But you've demanded All or Nothing, and I don?t have All to give. So I'm sorry, but this is my final answer: I'm asking you not to write or call, and if you do, I can?t answer you. I'm sorry.
Of course, being immature, I emailed her back with a blank message that had a subject line reading: You can't fire me, I quit."
I guess that on some level she is correct. She isn't correct that I demand "all" out of my friends. In fact, she is entirely incorrect in that she assumes that I'm a drain of her livelihood. With my friends I try to do all I can to build them up. On occasion I have brought people down, but it's very rare. She is correct that I demand true friendship from people who claim to be my friends.
I worry a lot about this because I've been hurt by people in the past. I'm still recovering from this which happened about six months ago. Preceding this there was a long series of betrayal that led to all sorts of other insecurities. I'm guessing that most people aren't as fragile with friendships as I am. Most people probably feel secure that when someone says they are their friend it is true. To me it just seems that actions are what I see. If someone shows me they are my friend I will believe it. What is most hurtful is when someone like my former girlfriend rejects friendship because of all that I had shared with her. She really rejected all that I had to offer, which hurts.
On some level I fear that I'm doomed to drive all of my potential friendships into the ground, because it's very hard for me to just trust that someone is going to be my friend. When a friend knows what you have to offer and they are willing to walk away you suddenly realize what you're worth.
