Singing Loudly

Erin has a post at her blog about where guys disappear to after the second date. Why don't they call? Why don't they email? Why don't they say they aren't interested in a date.

I posted some comments on what I think might be going on. I've been guilty of, for whatever reason, falling out of touch with someone after the second date. To me it seems that by the third date things are starting on the road towards a relationship. It isn't there yet but it's more than just sizing the person up. It's more than seeing if there is a spark. Typically once I'm on the road to a relationship my approach becomes much more careful. Which is why I think that after the second date if you don't want to continue things, no explanation is needed. Most people get the hint when they don't receive anymore phone calls. That has become the dating norm. What do I do if I pass into the third or fourth date realm...

Not surprisingly I was called out at Erin's blog for being someone who girls should stay away from; although, I couldn't really figure out why. My best guess is because I think that dating sucks, but maybe it's because I appeared calloused. I often wish that I could say this is true, so that I could pull a George and claim that I'm a bad man. Unfortunately, it isn't that at all. Alas, I will go ahead and try to defend my own honor (Cate, if you happen to be reading this and you want a bad man then don't read further...if you want a nice guy then read on).

The beginning stages of dating are actually enjoyable to me. It doesn't bother me that I have to try to impress someone, because it's not the end of the world if things don't work out. I don't worry much about what impression I will make, rather I just try to make the time enjoyable. Usually this gets me branded as a nice guy within the first hour. Which is great for making a lot of friends I lose contact with in a few months.

Usually I won't play all the silly dating games, because I think that the being distant on purpose game is dumb; not calling for x number of days is stupider. And whatever else is advised is silly. That's not to say it doesn't work, because I know it usually does work. Tom Cruise, in Magnolia, was telling approaches to pursuing relationships that actually work. It just doesn't seem to be the way to build a healthy and lasting relationship. I'd rather just wait around for someone who doesn't care if I'm decent.

When I date I try to approach it in the way that will cause the least amount of hurt if things don't work out. I'll kiss on the first date if things seem to be going that way. Kissing is enjoyable and harmless. Kiss away. However, after that I usually take things with extreme caution. If I don't think there is a chance for seriousness then I'll stop everything. Usually this means that I won't ask for another date.

I don't call or email anymore, because I figure that with initial dating it's understood that if either party isn't interested all bets are off. If you don't want to date me anymore then you don't have to tell me that I'm not your type. I am talented at getting hints.

If things go past the second date then I'll start to relax and enjoy the time with the person even more. It's an enjoyable time in the relationship. Nothing is too serious and things are pretty uncomplicated. When the time is right (anywhere from a couple dates later to a month later -- in my experience) there is usually a conversation or something that makes it known that we're going to consider ourselves exclusive.

I was dating a girl for about two months. We went on a couple dates and really hit it off. We hung out at her apartment a few times, met for drinks, and just had a good dating relationship for a couple months while we got to know each other better. A couple times she asked me to sleep over, but I refused, because I had a couple reservations that I wanted to figure out. Eventually it became clear that there was no way to work around them. She wanted to become exclusive and I didn't think it'd be possible. We talked for awhile about it and decided that the reservations, which she knew about before this talk, were not going to be removed.

Typically I try to act like a decent person. I don't like to use someone when I fear things won't work out. This approach has some positives and some negatives. I've tried to do things other ways and realized that it's not for me. I've experienced that playing games, being emotionally distant, are effective. However, without doing that I've also had a couple really good relationships. It just takes a little more patience for those opportunities to come around.

Maybe I should change my approach to dating. Maybe I worry to much about causing pain or whatever. Is it every man and woman for himself or is there room for concern about others?