Singing Loudly

I want to get in on the fun. Professor Berman wants some Booker amusement, so I will try...

Set to the tune of Sir Mix-A-Lot "Baby Got Back"

[From one dissenter to another]
Oh my god, Sandra, look at his opinion
it's so big
he writes like one of those prof guys idol
who understands those professors
they only talk about him because he writes with metaphor and hyperbole
I mean his opinion
it's just so big
I can't believe it's so dense
it's just out there
I mean, it's gross
look, he's just so textualist

[Justice Scalia]
I like big opinions and I cannot lie
you other justices can't deny
that when a Congressman walks in with an itty bitty guideline
and upward departure in your face
you get rejected!
So you wanna write like me
cuz these are unconstitutional
these guidelines they make me weary
ole' Apprendi they not caring

Oh, baby, I wanna get rid ya
and write this opinion
my Justices tried to warn me
but with that departure you got
me so angry
ohh, go ahead cry me a river
you say it's gonna give you appeals foreva'
well read me, obey me cuz you a lower court!

I've seen them locked up
the hell with this legislative indiscretion
they sweat, look, decide facts like a jury should

I'm tired of judge's sentences
saying adding points da only intention
Take the average of that and add a couple more
defendant going to jail too long, so

Justices (yeah), Justices (yeah)
has your opinion got big words (hell yeah!)
Well publish it, publish it, publish that big opinion
Opinion reverts back

(Conservative opinions with good intentions)

I like'em original and textual
and when I'm writing a line
I just can't help myself
I'm acting like an animal
now here's my scandal

I wanna write you at home
and ugh, double ugh, get it published
I'll be in the majority
cuz we're getting rid of this with glee
I want it long and judicial
so that everyone gets the picture
O'Conner's in trouble
beggin' for those guidelines to stay here
so I'm gonna blast her
writing those little words
with endorsement tests I hate
I'll keep my justices like Thomas
following what I say
I wanna write with ya
I won't cuss or hit ya
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna get rid ya
stupid, senseless guidelines
Baby, I got it goin' on
a lot of judges won't like this opinion
cuz them punks like to raise sentences high and lock them
but I'd rather give it to the jury
cuz I'm original and I'm judicial
and I'm ready to turn the courts upside down

So justices (yeah), justices (yeah)
If you wanna join my opinion
and follow Blakely
apply to the feds
like we always said
judicial integrity