Singing Loudly

These last few days of studying for the bar exam have produced a mixture of emotions for me, but I think that I've isolated the overall feeling that I've had. It's not unlike being drunk. I don't mean, unfortunately, the feeling of getting a little drunk and having a good time with your friends.

What I mean is the drunk that you get after you've gone far past that point and into the shit faced, fallen on your ass a few times, banged your head into the wall, been rejected by three or four girls (one of them had the fun of rejecting you twice), vomited on your pants, and then realized you lost all your friends after they left the bar an hour ago.

This is the sort of drunk where you can't remember what you did yesterday, let alone five minutes ago. You look at the outline that you read three days ago and say "shit, I don't know anything about estate administrations besides that they can be done independently."

No, this is the bad drunken night where you are so drunk you attempt to hide yourself in the bar so you can stay later and drink more. At this point, you've overstayed your welcome at the library and the circulation desk is asking you not to come back tomorrow, next week or ever again.

The sad thing is that while I might not completely realize it, I will be hung over after all this drinking. I will fall asleep but not get any rest, so I'll be exhausted for the following few days. However, before that, I'll vomit all over myself in bed that first night, roll around in it, and wake up to remember that I had spaghetti at some point the evening before.

After dragging myself to the shower to clean the dried vomit off myself, I will proceed to drop the bar of soap so many times that I work up my stomach (and headache) to a point where I vomit all over the shower. Thus stopping up the shower and making my feet bathe in a puddle of refuse that came out of my mouth.

Oh and the day won't get any better...after the shower I will go to the kitchen in hopes of giving myself something nutritious. I'll make myself some bacon, eggs, and toast and make myself sick from thinking about eating that. I'll have a difficult time getting down the toast. Then I'll fall asleep on the coach watching whatever Real World/Road Rules/Laguna Beach/Punk'd/Shitty Marathon happens to be on MTV this week.

This sort of a drunk episode can't be finished in just one day. No, because I really fucked my body over this time. I don't even know what I drank the night before last, but I wake up the next day still feeling like shit. My headache might be gone today, but my body is trying to reject me. I did it wrong. However, I'm hooked on that shitty marathon that continues on MTV. While I'm enjoying the slutty girl hooking up with everyone in the house, I suddenly feel an explosion coming. Immediately I'll try to hurdle the coffee table and realize that running isn't the key. I'll proceed to a crawl. I inch my way into the bathroom. Just as I'm almost at the toilet my body says it's big fuck you and shits all over itself. That's the kind of drunk this is.

I'll throw those clothes into the pile of my bedding that is going to the dumpster and shower myself down. Hoping that tomorrow will be a better day, I will go to bed soon after that embarrassing defeat.

The next day will be cleaning up the mess from the drunken evening, the night of puking, the day of hangover, and the day of body retaliation. This day will be the day that I really see what I did to myself. Nothing good came of this drunken state. I can't even remember half the shit that I put into myself. Yet I can see it came out even uglier than I ever imagined it was. That's how the bar exam is making me feel.

Good luck on your test, and I ask the same tidings from you as I will need it on mine.