Singing Loudly

Last year, on this day, I was buying flowers, getting a bottle of wine, and spiffing myself up for a second date with a wonderful girl. We had a fun evening together and went on to be nothing more than friends. I'm sad about this but not because I was hurt, but because I was my typical selfish self.

This year I made some sort of a resolution that I would actually care about getting into a relationship. Not because I think that I need a relationship for any sort of societal purposes or family pressures; although, both of those exist. But I want one because I know that I'm happier and better when I'm in a relationship.

I'm entirely selfish about it though. Unless I feel the strongest passion. The strongest feelings about the person. I won't even try to get into a relationship. I will go on a couple dates and then sort of forget about things. Occasionally I'll think about all the great things about the person. Then I'll try to slide into being a confused friend who often feels the need to try to date again. However, I usually won't ever voice that desire after things have cooled off.

Today is one of those days where I really start to miss what I don't have. Especially since last year was the first time I had a true valentines date. It didn't happen with the girl I was in love with because she dumped me on 2.13. It was shit. It isn't shit anymore. Just in the past year or two I've finally gotten over all of that shit. No more real feelings besides the afterglow that always exists. The memories that are hazy. The memories that teach you what to do and what not to do. But nothing like comparisons, longing, or other destructive remnants of her.

I make a really good friend despite the relationship selfishness. I am thoughtful, caring, easy going, and completely unselfish with my friends. My friends are all really close to me and I am close to them. Part of this is that I only keep a handful of people close to me. I can transfer this over to someone unknown in a dating relationship. That's the plan.

Things are better without the hangups that used to lounge in the back of my mind. Sitting on the comfortable hammock that constantly reminded me of what I had lost. Rent came due and that memory couldn't pay, so I booted it. It wasn't easy but it's gone. Now I have to work on making sure that I fill that void because I want to. Not in any immediate sort of way. But in the way that if something impassable comes into my life I won't pass it this time. No more fear, no more selfishness that comes from some of those problems, and no more worries about the future.

That's what this day reminds me of. I don't mind being alone today because I realize that last year when I wasn't alone -- I should have been. I should have been because I wasn't ready to have anyone.